Alcohol vs the Bike; or, and how does that make you feel?
Bank holiday Monday, late afternoon.
I feel sun bleached, strung out and I keep finding bruises I didn't know about. My gnawing headache informs me I'm dehydrated. Duh, I knew that already. My stomach feels hollow and nudges me for carbs.
I've felt these things so many times but there's one huge difference between these feelings in the last three years and those in the previous 15.
There's no shame. No regret. No destruction.
Instead, there's pride, joy, satisfaction and the incredible sense that I've achieved something.
Because I gave up alcohol three years ago and took up life.
The gift of construction instead of destruction
Alcohol is the only drug you have to justify giving up.
I was a terrible drinker and I used to have terrible hangovers. They'd start before I even went to bed and wake me up far too early, my body grasping for water, nutrition, anything that wasn't a poison. And hey, these were the partying years, it was our right as Millennials to get drunk on the regular. Wasn't it liberating?
No. Actually. It wasn't liberating. It was unbelievably oppressive, not just to the bank balance but to the body and the mind. Alcohol fed my anxiety like a goose on the foie gras track. It chipped away at myself-esteem, self-awareness and, hell, my self. It decimates your body, plays chaos with sleep and is metabolised into a highly toxic carcinogen. Yum.
I used to drink it to relax which, as I eventually realised, was like trying to make freshwater by adding salt. Alcohol didn't relax me, it just made me temporarily forget why I wasn't relaxed before shaking me and screaming AHA JOKEZ!
So I quit.
The journey to living
I think what's surprised me so much about quitting drinking is that life has got better in every single way. Before, I pushed my body with alcohol to try and deal with what was going on in my brain. But when you punish yourself you have no energy left to improve yourself.
I couldn't run a 10k during the drinking years because it would've been like trying to write with my hands tied behind my back. Our bodies need strength and fuel and hydration to function properly; running after a night out drinking could never have worked for me. To do difficult things, I need to be in the best possible health, doesn't that make sense? Now, it seems strange to think that I would actively detract, even with a single glass, from my health when I work so hard for it.
But physical health aside, I wasted so many weekends with alcohol or its lingering effects. I never could have run a 10k because I didn't have the enthusiasm to even try. Alcohol sapped it all; it promised fun and instead gave me hazy memories and a pounding headache. I never felt good and when I was drinking I never felt like myself.
Shit, I didn't even know who that was until I stopped.
Now I can run. Whenever I want to. As far as my legs will carry me. I can cycle 100 miles over two sunny days because I don't have a date with a pub stool. I can smile at my bike pedal bruises instead of avoiding eye-contact with those of unknown origin. I can build my aching muscles up with good food instead of feeding them as an apology.
I have the time to be gallivanting because I'm not recuperating. I construct muscle and mental health instead of destroying them.
It took me 29 years to get there and yes, I may have a headache from sweating my ass around Dartmoor but my god, do I feel thankful for it.
If you need to speak to somebody about your alcohol consumption, you can find lots of help in the UK here: https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/support-services/alcohol-support-services
There are similar services available throughout the world.